Tuesday, August 19, 2014


Once they placed these 2 precious babies in my arms something in me ignited that I never anticpated. Yes there was so much excitement and love that is indescribable.... but what I did not anticipate was fear. I wasn't fearful of my role as caregiver, but fearful of all of the unknowns that I could not control. Germs, SIDS, accidents, etc.... I never anticpated to feel so weighted down by this emotion. I definitely think my babies being born in cold December didnt help but the external was nothing compared to my internal battle.

I am currently reading a book called Tame Your Fears by Carol Kent. I recommend this to everyone. We all have fears of something and struggle at different levels but this book covers it all and points out the obvious... Living in fear is sin. Worrying is straight up disobedience. 

Talk about a punch in the gut. 

Growing up in church we know this stuff. We can quote the scriptures. We know there are 365 of them on fear. But do we live this out? Or are we living in bondage to something that is robbing our joy and literally putting a sin barrier up in our lives.

Decemeber 18, 2013... I had no idea that all of this was beginning. I knew I was a protective mom (still am! and I don't apologize for it. God gave me the responsibility of taking care these babies. No one else.) However being a protective mom is very different than being a fearful mom. 

A protective mom prays.
A fearful mom worries.

A protective mom surrenders her family to the Lord.
A fearful mom tries to control everything.

We (I) have a choice. I can be fearful. Or I can remember that yes, I birthed these babies, but they are simply on loan to me. I have the responsibility to raise them, but they are not really mine. I can hold on with white knuckles or I can surrender these precious babies to the One who loves them more than me.

I am learning. I am taking baby steps. I am not a super mom. I am human. But I am thankful for the One who is walking beside me in this journey. He created me and my family. And more than that, He loves me and my family and desires a healthy relationship with me (us) not a power struggle.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Jude and Luke 8 months

As stated on social media earlier, this is what 8 months of cuteness looks like:

Luke is crawling and into everything.

Jude is getting everywhere by means of rolling... and I do mean everywhere.

They love playing ball...

They love their jumparoos.

They love the water.. and here are the chubby bubbies getting ready for it.

They love being silly... or maybe we love being silly and they are willing participants.

They love singing songs.

They love wrestling with one another but normally they don't love it at the same time.

And their favorite activity currently is sitting on daddy's shoulders, playing with his head.

And a big milestone for this momma was putting them in the church nursery a week ago sunday, August 10. They did great and so did momma. :) 

As stated above, they are moving around like crazy. Luke still has 0 teeth and Jude still only has the 2 front, bottom ones. They are drinking 7oz every 3-3.5 hours (breast milk part of the time and formula the other) and eating baby food 2-3 times a day. We have started introducing them to table food... to which their favorite seems to be homemade ice cream. (at least thats their daddy's opinion because thats his favorite food.)They take 2-3 naps a day and sleep 10-12 hours at night. 

I blame their Grammy and Bebe because they are spoiled rotten! Luke is more content being alone than Jude. Jude still gets the title of more high maintenance. But they still are sweet, good, happy babies which I am sure to thank Jesus for everday! 

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

We're home!

At least for a little while, we are back home. The mag drip proved to be successful and slowed everything down so after 9.5 days in the hospital they released us to go home. I am of course still on bed rest and will continue to be until they boys are born but we are so thankful to have at least made it another week with the boys still baking.

29 weeks:

To answer some of your questions:
- How am I feeling? I feel great. My belly is def getting bigger and and heavier so laying on my left side with pillows is the most comfortable.

-How am I emotionally? I think I'm good. I have moments where I feel so bad about being useless when D is doing so much (without any complaints) but then to put it all into perspective of why I have to be useless makes it all worth it. Even when I was in the hospital, I was ok with it. People kept asking how I was emotionally about being hospitalized for possibly the duration of my pregnancy. Really I was ok with it. Knowing the babies were ok and in great hands gave me peace of mind. Although, now sleeping in my own bed, I can say I'm ok with being home too.

So for now, we are doing great and are resting at home trying to keep these babies in at least 5 more weeks!

Monday, July 28, 2014

Jude and Luke 7 months

(Warning... picture overload)
We are officially moving. Jude is rolling everywhere and Luke is army crawling/scooting. He'll get up on all for fours and then face plant so I know a real crawl is in the works. 

Jude has 2 teeth and Luke still has none. I guess Luke is making up for it by being more mobile.

They both are slowly getting the hang of sitting up. They'll do it alone fo a few seconds and then forget and fall over.

Eating food has become a fun endeavor. Jude looooves to eat... anything. Luke will eat but you have to be a little more forceful. We think his reflux is back so his willingness to eat can be spotty. 

Here's a look at an example of a daily schedule:
6:00a.m. Jude starts talking and playing
7:00a.m. Jude falls back asleep
7:45a.m. Jude and Luke starting waking up 
8:00a.m. 7oz bottle of formula and then a bowl of oatmeal with bananas
8:30-9:30a.m. play
9:30-11:00a.m. nap
11:30a.m. 7oz of breast milk
11:45a.m.- 1:00pm play
1:00-3:00pm nap
3:00 pm 7oz of breast milk and bowl of baby food
3:30-5:00 play
5:00-6:30 nap
6:30 7oz of formula
6:30-8:00 play
8:15- bed time

Every day is a little bit different. And some days we have things going on at night so we don't always stick to the schedule but they definitely let us know when they are hungry or tired.

They are still very good babies. We are still finding that Jude is more high maintenance than Luke. Luke is very laid back and when he's tired he'll close his eyes and go to sleep... say if we are out somewhere. Jude is my sleep fighter. If we are out he'll cry himself to sleep. Thankfully they both do a good job at home of simply going to sleep in their beds once we lay them down.

Our first family of 4 dinner date- El Mezcal (I thought we had done this many times before but going and sitting down we realized we hadnt!)

Went to the lake for the Jerkins' family vaca...

We drove over to Mt. View for a fun night on the square.

 They love hallie claire and she loves them.

Boat time

Although they only went out on the boat once, they loved it. They loved the water and sleeping on the boat. I think more than anything they loved this vacation because there was always someone to entertain them or hold them.

Jude makes this fake cry sound and the other day I was imitating him and this was his response...

It was hilariously pitiful.

Jude and Luke moving adventures...

Happy 7 months precious babies!

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Crazy Busy

I recently met up with sweet Jennie McKay to pick apart her brain on balancing the 3 M's that I spoke about previously. She gave me some great insight and encouragement. She also suggested some great resources that have been very beneficial to her family. One of them being a book, Crazy Busy by Kevin DeYoung.

This book was packed full of great advice. Most of it is common sense but I was able to see "busyness" in a whole new light. Like stated in a previous post, busyness is something I have always struggled with, but I never realized that busyness could be dangerous. I know that sounds quite dramatic but when you think about busyness and how it has the power to rob us of our joy, rob our hearts from intimacy and cover up the rot/sin in our life, it then becomes a much more serious thing than we once thought.

When we pack our schedules so tightly it can make life stressful, ripping from us the joy that we once found from doing most of these things that keep us busy. It also, robs our hearts from intimacy with people. When we are constantly on the go and running from place to place, it leaves little room for us to invest in people.... most importantly our families. And if these things aren't scary enough, being so busy has the ability to cover up the sin in our life.

The other day I opened my pantry and was immediately hit with an awful smell. I attributed it to a dirty diaper I had thrown in the garbage, but after taking out the trash I quickly realized it was not the diaper I was smelling. After investigating, I realized it was a bag of sweet potatoes. The rotting potatoes that I found didn't happen overnight. It was a daily process due to neglect. Then bam... the smell made me do something about it. Hopefully we will recognize the sin/rot in our lives before the bam moment. Being crazy busy though, helps us easily cover up and/or push to the side a sin that we may or may not think is a big deal. Unfortunately for some, too much neglect leads to a rank smell that becomes evident to all. We must guard our lives from being so busy that covering up sin is not an option.

We can be encouraged though that our only perfect example, Jesus, was busy as well. If we love God and want to serve others we will be busy. Being busy in and of itself is not bad.. its how we manage or don't that is. Jesus was busy. He had people to heal, people to teach, people to dine with... he had lots of things to do! Even with all the demands from everyone (come here! heal me! teach me!), He stayed on His mission and was driven by the Father. Jesus knew there was a difference between all the good things he could do and how they were not necessarily the things he ought to do.

The story of Mary and Martha is always so convicting. I definitely am a Martha.... to a fault. What she was doing wasn't wrong. The things she was doing were necessary: preparing food, making sure the guests were comfortable, etc. These were good things, but they weren't the best. We must evaluate our tasks. The things that keep us busy may not be bad things. In fact, most of what we do are probably good, Christ honoring things. But are they best? If we are stretching ourselves so thin that all we've got to give God and our family are leftovers, then what we are doing isn't best. 

And the concept that is the most obvious but not always the easiest sums up this book perfectly: "Jesus is the only thing that can pull us away from being crazy busy. We won't say, "No" to more craziness until we say, "Yes" to more of Jesus." 

Monday, June 30, 2014

Balancing the 3 M's

Let me first start by saying I am learning... constantly. I am learning the struggles of being a mom and how to balance the 3 M's of my life: marriage, motherhood and ministry. I felt like I had finally gotten into the groove of marriage then BAM... we go into full time ministry. Then I felt like I had grasped how to balance ministry and marriage well and then BAM... here are these 2 precious babies. It inevitably throws another M onto my plate. Motherhood. I do not have this balancing act mastered nor do I pretend to. Thankfully I do have several sweet friends that are a little further ahead of me in this game who have given great insight. I've also been encouraged to read a couple different books on this topic. (more about these on another post!)

Here's what I have learned thus far. And by "learned" I mean I know in my head. I try my best to flesh this out although it doesn't always happen as beautifully as I dream up.

What I am currently learning is first and foremost my day has to start with Jesus. Not social media, not the TV, not even my family. I have to be intentional about getting up early (not my favorite thing) before everyone else and allow myself to soak up God's word. This act allows me to start fresh. Before I'm pulled in different directions, asked a million questions, begun momma and household duties... I must stop and be quiet and surrender. I know this is shocking, but I CAN NOT DO IT ALL. I can't even do half of it. In my own strength, I fail miserably... everyday. I need God's grace and guidance. To be the wife and mom my family needs, I have to begin my day admitting this. And you know what? There is great freedom in doing so! The enemy would love nothing more than to feed my feelings of guilt and shame in the areas I know I fall short. I'm learning its ok because God's word tells me that His grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9) 

Secondly, my relationship with D must come before my duties as Jude and Luke's mom. D is not demanding like my hungry little 6 month olds. He doesn't whimper when I leave the room or cry if he poops in his pants. Thankfully he doesn't poop in his pants because that'd be gross and then I'd make him do his own laundry...

Back to my point...

My babies need me. Their life is wrapped up in how I provide for them. Even though D is completely self sufficient, he needs me too. He needs me to be his biggest supporter, encourager, editor, listener, friend, but most importantly... his wife. I realize that as his wife this role encompasses all of those things and more, but on a more intimate level. He needs friends and others to encourage him as well, but the things I say and how I say them greatly effect him... for the good or bad.  I am learning that just like I have to be intentional with my time with the Lord, I must also be intentional with my time with Daniel. We must plan date nights, put the babies to bed at a certain time every night, talk throughout the day, etc. Having been together for 14 years, we know each other pretty well. We know what each other needs and we must be intentional about watching for the ques of stress, tiredness, burn out, etc. 

The role of momma is one I do not take lightly. I love these 2 little men that I get to take care of every day. They need me. And I like that. They need me to put down my phone and look at them... To talk to them, sing to them and play with them... without distractions. Is this always easy? No! There's laundry to fold, dishes to clean, texts to respond to, but Jude and Luke need me. They will only need me for so long. I'm told I'll blink and they'll be grown. I too must be intentional with the time I have with them. They sleep 10-12 hours a night and take 2 two hour naps a day plus light snoozing around dinner time. Leaving their awake time minimal and impressionable.

I never felt called to be a pastor's wife. I was called to be Daniel's wife. That meant I was going to support him if he was a garbage man or a pastor. In ministry there are a lot of demands. We have lots of opportunities to interact with people. As a people person, I love this, but its not always easy. Thankfully we are apart of a very loving church that makes ministry fun... its by no means perfect, but we love it. I have loved being apart of all the events, trips and weekly gatherings that D leads. I knew my role would change a bit once kids came along though. I expected that. I love my role as momma, but I did not anticipate the inner struggle of wanting to be 2 places at once. I want to be the one taking care of my babies but I also want to be able to hang out with our girls and ladies. Thankfully we do have family and friends who are more than willing to help out. I've just got to be more willing to let them. :) The involvement I do have with students and others at church, I'm learning I have to take full advantage of and make the most of my time with them. 

Do I have all of this figured out? Absolutely not. Every day is trial and error and some days more error than Id prefer. The only thing I know for sure is Jesus is enough. This balancing act forces me to depend solely on Him. On my own I fail. I do a mediocre job at best and get stressed which leads to great irritability that no one enjoys. This balancing act forces me to trust Him... trust that His plan is perfect. If I get that part right and begin my day with Him, the rest of my day may not be perfect but it's manageable because I'm not doing it alone. Balancing these 3 M's is hard. It's work. It takes time and effort, but it's absolutely worth it. 

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Jude and Luke 6 months

My babies are half a year old!

Life is very fun these days with our happy, rolly polly babies. They give us big open mouthed smiles and good belly laughs. They talk all the time and try to sing along with us. They do seem to even try to talk to one another in their own weird language. 

They drink 7 ounces of formula first thing in the morning and before bed.
They drink 6-7 ounces of breast milk every 3-4 hours.
They are currently eating a variety of rice cereal, avocados, sweet potatoes, and carrots. 
Sweet potatoes and carrots seem to be much more favored.

They love to fall asleep snuggling their lovies or their aidan and anias blankets.
They love to blow bubbles and grab their toes.
They love their jumping exersaucers... in fact it relaxes them so much that without fail one of them always poops while they are in it.
They are still easy babies, but when it comes to eating they are not very patient. When they are hungry they make sure you know it! 

Luke seems to be our more laid back baby while Jude is a little more high maintenance. He may even have a bit of a temper. When he gets mad, he arches his back and flails his body. 
Jude even had 2 bottom teeth pop through.

They are thankfully still great travelers.

They still love their mat.

Happy 1/2 birthday sweet boys!