The Call

When people would ask if I was "called" to be a pastor's wife I would confidently say, No. I know many pastor's wives that had just as strong a calling to be the wife of a pastor as the man had to be a pastor. I've been with Daniel Jerkins for 12 years now and I can say without a shadow of a doubt I was never called to be a pastor's wife, I was called to be his wife. That meant if he was a garbage man, I'd be a garbage man's wife. If he was a preacher then yes I'd be a preacher's wife. My calling was, is, and will always be until the day he dies, to be his wife. My ministry is his ministry. End of story.

The last 6 weeks I've been doing a study on the book of Jonah. Priscilla Shirer has written an excellent study. Several ladies have been gathering together on Monday nights at our house to discuss our homework and watch a dvd that goes along with the study. We were challenged at the beginning to discover what our own "Ninevah" was. What has God called us to that we aren't being obedient in? I originally thought I knew what my Ninevah was, but I was ok because I wasn't running from it. Well, over the course of the 6 week study God began to really do a work in my life. A scary one.

Before D and I got married I was mildly helping with a youth girls' bible study. I began then to feel passionate about this ministry. Maybe even a slight "calling" if you will to this ministry. I didn't know at the time that's what it was, I just knew God was up to something. As D and I got married and began our own ministry at Hickory Withe. I was able to use this passion and help minister to the girls. Ok, mark it off the list I was doing what I thought God had called me to do. Marry D, support him and his ministry, build relationships with the girls, lead a small group ... done. But still I felt God was calling me to more. A more vocal position if you will. Every time I would feel the prompting of whatever this was... I would brush it off and explain to God... yes laughable I know... that I was doing what he had called me to. Still there was more.

Then there was this Jonah bible study...

I was doing my homework and it was if someone smacked me in the head with a 2x4. God made it very clear, "Candace, you're Jonah." What?!! No, I'm not. I am active at church, I'm having consistent quiet times, I'm leading girls, I'm helping D... I'm most def. not Jonah! But in all reality.... I was. I knew God had begun something in me back before we were married. I knew God over the years was continuing to call me to something more and I ran. Not physically like Jonah, but by pushing it out of my mind and informing God of what I was doing... I was running. Last week especially, every scripture, devo, and study I read was on none other than obedience. Really? I couldn't escape this if I wanted to! Friday and Saturday I was miserable. There's no other way to put it. I wasn't sick. I wasn't hurt. I was running from God... and that is the most miserable place to be. Sunday as I was sitting in church listening to Bro. Eddie, God opened my eyes to my disobedience. I was running from the Creator and Sustainer of life. My Refuge. My Comfort. My Strength. What was I doing?!

I was scared. Scared to death. I was scared to surrender to what God wanted to do in and through my life. It was as if a light bulb went off and I realized how stupid I am. I know I am not the most brilliant theologist... not even close. I know I am not the most eloquent speaker. And God reminded me... I don't have to be. It's His power working through me that makes me effective. But without another thought or reason I gave it up. I stopped running. I surrendered right there in my seat, in the middle of Bro. Eddie's message on the sanctity of human life. I surrendered my hopes, fears, reservations, excuses... And you know what? It was the most satisfying thing. Ever. What was complete anxiety seconds before became complete peace. I had finally surrendered it. What's the "it" you might ask? Good question.

I. don't. know. :)

Well, I know he's calling me to a ministry that involves girls/women. I know this ministry will still aid in d and I's original ministry. I do know this will not hinder that original ministry. I know this is def from the Lord b/c the enemy would never prompt us to something that will bring glory to God alone. I do know that I'm scared. I do know I work best behind the scenes and not in the spot light.... another reason I know this is from God and not a random idea by me. I do know I'm excited though. I am excited to be in the center of his will. I am excited to not be running anymore. I am excited at the opportunities to minister and teach girls/women in whatever capacity.

So all of this to say... I got the call. The call I thought had already been made. Then I remembered who I serve and finally replied, "I'll do it."